A F R A I D

it not too long before i point it out.
you force to fake
fake to give me a smile
fake to give me a laugh
everyday in my life.

i never stray too far from you.
when it wasnt even whole to start with
i am afraid
i watched you
i heard you cry
but i didnt catched you
i was so young
you never thought of my pain
and you let go

i tired the hardest thing.
hardest in forgot everything.
i am ashamed of my life because of you.

D R E A M

Butterfly.
a injured butterfly.
unlike the spread freedom.
love was even more heartbreaking.
there are more detail can be.

autumn harvest leaves all over the floor.
it is another night i am missing you out there.
originally with the seperation.
tear off the pages slowly.
regret with all the word had taken down.

holding back the feeling.
i do not cry.
cried a long time will be tired.

this season.
only thought of you.
a cup with full of adjournment.
and bring me emotional fragmented.

- Go - Went - Gone -

I don't since when came up with that
but we were obviously on the receiving end of some harsh words.

Ya - I am fine.
definately.
exactly 100% in a good condition.
come in to my blood-pumping organ,
i am not actually...
I've written and rewritten this post a hundred times.
million and another million times.
break throught my mind.
I just cannot find the words to adequately describe how I'm feeling...
I really hope this comes out coherently!

I understand that we live in a world.
we need it or may not need it.
And because of this, I can assume that the majority of people out there seeking of it.
can just take it as a 'mistake'...?
it the mistake to lead, guide , build in the character of individual..?
is a CLUE for us..?

And this is where it starts..?
So - how do you treat someone you consider to be a mistake?
Do you ridicule them?
Do you call their names?
Do you consider them worthy?
Do you see them as a peer or someone to be 'put up with'?
Do you get to know them?
Do you even see them, or is ignoring them better?
Remember - this person is a 'mistake',
they weren't supposed to be in the first place.

But how does the world view from him?
How will they treat him one day when he's out there without me by his side?
Will they call his names?
Will they respect him?
Will they 'put up' with him?

More importantly - will they to pay respect to this?
Will he able to explain to them what was happening due to this consequences to be heppened?
Will I able to explain to them what was happening due to this consequences to be heppened too?

i found that - they are not interested on this too.

too much frOm yOu

I would say that I am definitely someone who finds it more comfortable living in my head.

And I often find I miss out on life , either in the past or the future.


Having said this,
I've always been good at imagining my life,
creating an image in my mind of how I wish it could be,
what I would do given the chance... ?
Now, this could be good and it could be bad....

But I've also learned that dreaming is not always practical.

it often takes up the valuable time I could have spent living.

And I've learned that sometimes our dreams cannot begin to encompass what is actually in store for us.
I kept drawing a blank.

So, you were taught me to live in the moment,
a lesson I try to apply to my life everyday.
A lesson that I find most challenging...
I know that nothing I dream of can compare with....
what I have, right here, in front of me.

Coming Up for Air

The water flows around the rocks and pebbles.
No fight.
No trying to move the rock.
Just flowing, peacefully, around the rocks and pebbles.

So -
I'm going to try to be the river.
Flowing peacefully around those *friggen* rocks and pebbles.
I'm going to try to remember
and really believe that I don't always know best
and that everything is perfect as it is.
I am going to try to let go of my ideas of what's best
and accept what is infront of me and celebrate in spite of myself too.

I'll just go and print the bolded-italic words up there
and stick them to every surface in my house
remind myself incase I forget and want to cry...

WORD

Every now and again
I read something and the words speak to me
they literally pull me out of myself
and demand that I awaken from my subconscious-mind and take them in.

These kinds of words are like water,
replenishing my internal reserves,
fighting against any famine that I may find myself in.

These kinds of words are meaningless on their own,
but when strung together,
they leap out and embrace me
urging me to remember
why I'm here and what I'm trying to do.

Words have always had that effect on me,
and these are no different:
The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for.
The most you can do is live inside that hope,
running down its hallways,
touching the walls on both sides.

Addicted

once the habit start,
it is hard to stop it.
it is a hard habit to break.
it is highly addictive.
because i think hard to do so.
please go away from me.
you are the one who killing me all the time.
i hate you.
i cant stop quit you.
may i know how am i going to break it?